


Backstage

by Lisa Martin (LisaM)



Category: Buffy the Vampire Slayer (TV)
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-03
Updated: 2020-08-03
Packaged: 2021-03-06 02:20:03
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 11,392
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25695679
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LisaM/pseuds/Lisa%20Martin
Relationships: Xander Harris/Spike
Comments: 2
Kudos: 11





	1. Chapter 1

<  
The song used is a translation of a Dutch song by my  
favourite Dutch band Bløf.

_ _

  
Los Angeles  
Summer 2004.  
  
LA. I never thought I would enter that city again out of my own free will. It's the home of too many memories, good ones and a few bad ones. Anya and I moved here after our marriage, she wanted to get out of Sunnydale. I protested, but with a girl like Anya you can protest all you want, she gets her way anyhow. So I said goodbye to my place of birth and headed for the City of Angels. Things were great for a while, really great. We both found jobs fairly easily, had a decent place to live and were happy. Then she started making serious money. I knew of her playing the stock market, but never in my wildest dreams had I imagined she did it so well. That's when it started going downhill. Before that she had it all sorted out in her head, marriage, babies, live happily ever after, that sort of thing. I let her have her dreams, knowing things weren't that easy. Yet it was her who smashed them to pieces. Money was always important to her, but it became an obsession. She talked of nothing else, always going out to meet her 'contacts' or glued behind her state of the art designer computer to check her investments. I finally got fed up with it. After a particularly nasty fight, she ran out. I came home to an empty house the day after that. Only ever heard of her again through her lawyers. Which I gave hell all the way. I came out of it a good deal richer, but also broken into tiny little pieces. And where do you go when you feel like that? Exactly, home.  
Yet here I am. It's only a visit, just two days, but it gives me the shivers none the less. It was a split second decision, made after seeing an ad in the paper. I haven't even told the others, just left a note saying I'm out of town for the weekend. Cell phone turned off, and I was free to go.You see, I've always liked music, it's been my comfort blanket since like forever. Country for the bad times, a little rock for the better ones. Can't hold a tune if my life depended on it, but that doesn't keep me from belting along. But there are songs that make me sit up and listen, really listen. And that's what happened. Two weeks ago I heard it on the radio, it has haunted me ever since. Can't get it out of my head. Not because it's such a catchy tune, it's a rock ballad, it's the lyrics that hit home for me. Why I can't figure out yet, I just know they do. So when I saw that the band that plays that song was coming to LA for a couple of concerts I took the phone and got myself a ticket.  
Back story done, on to the present. I enter the hall where the concert will be and am immediately swallowed up by the crowd. It's a full house, not surprising, that particular song is well on its way on becoming a hit. It's a mixed crowd, varying from teenage girls to heavy metal fans. The atmosphere feels good, relaxed, but also a little hyped. Exactly as it should be.  
I glance around, simply looking at all the different people out here. You can learn so much just by looking at people, the way they dress, the way they move, the way the hold themselves. I like doing it, another one of my favourite pastimes. Then my eyes fall on a very familiar figure. He stands out in the crowd, not only because of his height, but also because he's the only one who can pull that all black style off. Probably because he hasn't dressed differently for over a century. I grin as that thought crosses my mind, but sober immediately when another one follows it. What the hell is he doing here?? I stare at him and notice he's not alone. On his arm is a very attractive brunette, who smiles up at him. That very attractive brunette who used to be my girlfriend. A twitch of envy shoots through me, but I battle it down. That was years ago, we've moved on. But seriously, why him?? Standing on his other side, like a faithful shadow, is Wesley.Suddenly our eyes meet and I duck. I don't want them to see me. In doing so, I collide with someone. Turning around I stammer an apology.  
"Sorry, didn't mean to."  
He's huge. Black. Bald. And smiling. "Hey man, no problem. Someone you don't want to see?"  
I grin back. "Not really, no."  
"Strange how you always meet those people at places like this, isn't it?"  
He wants to talk and I'm game. "Very strange," I sigh, rolling my eyes.  
"But I can duck into the crowd, so I hope to be invisible for the rest of the night."  
He laughs. "You alone?" Um..this is not what I think it is, isn't it? I nod slowly, carefully watching his face. "I'm here with some friends, maybe you care to duck there?"  
I open my mouth to say thanks, but no thanks, when a young woman comes to stand beside him. She looks at me, shyly and with a small smile. She's pretty. "Hi."  
"Hi. Friend?" She looks up at the man beside her.  
"Just met the guy. "He turns to me again. "I'm Charles Gunn, everyone calls me Gunn. And this is Fred."  
"Nice to meet you. I'm Alexander." And what makes me mention my full name to him? Damned if I know. We don't get a chance to talk some more, the music starts and the crowd goes wild. I shout and yell along with it, feeling like a high school kid again. The band starts with some heavier stuff and I discover I like that too. Then the familiar tune starts. One of the band members moves up to the front of the stage and my breath catches in my throat. It can't be! Yet it is.  
His eyes scan the crowd, clearly searching for someone. I don't have to wreck my brain to know who that someone is. I look at him, that tall figure some 30 feet away from me. He stares, their eyes meeting and holding. Then it hits. The reason why this song touches me the way it does. It's about Buffy.  
  
_In the dead of night  
When everything is quiet  
So quiet it reminds you of death  
I'm still wide awake  
Hunched over a glass  
And my thirst is still too great  
  
There is one sort of happiness  
That never can be drowned  
She won't leave me alone  
It's late and  
It will forever be that way  
So I will take this last drink  
  
Drink to my heart  
That will burn forever  
For what it desires  
What it desires  
From love and drink_

_  
_

__

_  
_

  
It's too much, I can't stand it anymore and I elbow my way through the throng, to the entrance. Staggering into the hallway, I gulp in deep breaths of air. That huge weight on my shoulders is finally crushing me. I reach out for something to hold me up, to keep me from falling and I am caught by a strong arm. It's the guy from before, Gunn or something. 

"You okay, man?"  
I nod. "Yeah, yeah." I look at him and force a smile. "It's  
the song, hits a bit too close to home."  
He smiles back in understanding. "It's a tough one."  
He doesn't understand, how can he? He wasn't there, I was. "Yes, it  
is."  
"Are you sure you're all right? You look a little pale." It's the  
woman, she's truly concerned.  
"I'm fine. Or I will be. Thanks..Fred, isn't it?"  
"Yes."  
"There you are! I've been looking all over for you!"  
Oh great. So far for ducking. Hey wait, how did she .?  
"Just needed some air," Gunn replies. "How is Angel?"  
"Fine..well, so he says. It gives me the shivers. Xander?"  
A lot of confusing thoughts to sort out at the same time. Gunn knows Cordy, Gunn  
knows Angel and now Cordy knows I'm here. "Hi Cordy."  
"Oh my!" She hugs me tightly. It helps, not a lot, but it eases the  
tension a little. "Why didn't you call?"  
"I'm only here for the concert." I draw back, but hold my arm around  
her shoulders. Gunn and Fred are staring at us. "Cordy and I are old  
friends," I explain.  
"From High School," she adds. "God, Xan, that song..you were  
there, weren't you?" She looks at me with wide eyes.  
"Yeah I was. I had heard the song before, but until tonight I had no idea  
it was about her." I laugh, a short bitter laugh. "Hell, I didn't even  
know who the singer was!"  
"That's because he didn't sing it on the CD." Angel. Cool, collected,  
face of stone. Nothing unusual there. "Xander."  
"Angel." A look of understanding passes between us. Cease fire. Bound  
by the loss of a loved one. I release Cordelia, a gesture of good will, which he  
accepts with a nod. He does haul her close the very next second though.  
I makes me smile, that vampire possessiveness always does. Talking of vampires.  
"He sang it because he knew you were there."  
"Yes." That one word holds a world of meaning. I can only imagine what  
went on beforehand.  
"Lemme get this straight. You know Angel and Cordelia?" Apparently  
Gunn has missed the whole subtle interplay between Angel and me.  
"Yeah. Cordy and I are from the same town. Angel, well.he showed up around  
the time I found out vampires were real."  
"Then you're a part of the group, whatiscalled..the Scobbies?"

I throw Cordelia a meaningful look, which she shrugs off with typical Chase casualness. "The Scoobies. Yeah, I'm one of the original four." That earns me a glare from Angel, which I shrug off. He was never a member of that core group, no matter how much he wanted to be. Buffy, Willow, Giles and me, those were the ones that took on the defence of the world in those early days, the ones who were bounded by that ancient ritual. When Buffy died that bond suffered, but it wasn't broken. Even with Giles, thousands of miles away, I still feel it.  
"Cool! I mean."  
I ward his apology off by raising my hand. "I know what you mean."

"Come on, guys. We have back stage passes, remember?" Cordy is bouncing. She still gets a kick out of meeting celebrities even when one of them is someone she hated at one time. "Oh. Xander, you wanna come too?"  
"Don't have one of those passes."  
"Pfff. Big deal. We'll smuggle you in."  
"Cordy.". I feel a grin coming up. Save yourself the trouble Angel, you'll never win.  
"Don't you Cordy me. He goes with us."  
So I tag along to the stage entrance just in time to see the band leave the stage. He doesn't look at us, stalks in the direction of the dressing rooms right away. I feel a vague sense of disappointment, something that disturbs me greatly. Before I have time to think this over, Cordy hands the security guard their passes. They are permitted to walk through, but I am stopped, just like I expected. No pass, no entrance. None of the protests helps and I am left standing there.  
"We'll get you in man," Gunn calls to me. Whatever. Yet I wait. To get the surprise of a lifetime when I see that one band member walking towards me some minutes later. He wears his trademark smirk, but that's about all that is familiar about him. The bleached hair is gone, it's a darker blond now and longer. He's clad in blue jeans and a loose fitting T-shirt with the name of the band on it. The strut, on closer inspection, that's the same too. He greets me with a grin.  
"Whelp."  
"Spike."  
"Come to see ol' Spike play?"  
"Came to see the concert. Had no idea you were in the band. Cordy insisted I'd come back stage." No idea of mine, oh no!  
"Come on then." He gestures at the guard that it's all right and I am let through. We walk beside each other in silence. What can I say? Nice to see you again? He wouldn't believe me and frankly neither do I. It's confusing, not nice.  
Inside the dressing room it's mayhem. What did they do, invite the whole crowd in? I search for Cordy and find her in a corner, talking to one of the other band members. "Hey great, you got in!" she beams as she sees me.  
"Xander."  
I stare at the guy in bewilderment, do I know him? Then the proverbial light bulb flashes on over my head. "Devon!"  
"Good to see you here," he smiles. He's changed too. Devon used to be a wild one, experimenting with everything he could get his hands on. He seems calmer now, more together.  
"You're looking good."  
"Left the wild life behind me," he grins. "Well, sorta," he adds, when a girl winds herself around him. "'Cuse me." He disappears, tagging the girl with him.  
"That hasn't changed," I remark. "He used to get every girl in school."  
"Including me. Just say it."  
"I wasn't going to, but if you insist.."  
She slaps me on my arm. "You haven't changed much either!"  
How wrong she is. I have changed, a lot. My mouth doesn't run away with me as often as it used to, I'm quieter, more introspective. Some people would call that maturing, I'd say it's just numbness. Anya's leaving was just one blow too many. I give Cordy a smile and a shrug. "If you say so."  
"No, I won't." Her voice gets gentler. "You're different from the boy I used to date. Life has been hard on you."  
I shrug again. "What can I say? I live in Hellmouth City."  
  
  


"There's more than that. I know you won't tell me and I won't ask." But I will find out, I add silently. I have no doubt she will.  
"Catching up?" It's Spike.  
"Kind of. You were great. That song.." She shivers.  
A small smile tugs at his mouth. "Thanks." Then he looks at me and I know what he wants to hear.  
"Cordy's right, you're good. About the song.." I can't say it, the words stick in my throat, forming a big ball that prevents me from uttering another word. He stares at me and his expression changes. It's subtle, but I notice it. He lays a hand on my arm and squeezes it lightly then turns and walks away. It tells me more than a thousand words. He saw the emotions, saw the rawness his song causes and understands. We were there. We know.  
  
The party goes on around me, but I hang out on the sideline. Once my attention is drawn to Angel, talking to Spike. Their faces are grave and for a moment I'm afraid we're going to land in the middle of a vampire war, but then Spike smiles and gives Angel a firm clap on the shoulder. Deadboy forces a smile, clearly not too pleased with that gesture. What follows is an example of how thoroughly irritating Spike can be. He calls Angel Grandpa, loud enough for anyone to hear. I hide my smile behind my hand, enjoying the stormy look on Angel's face and the way Cordy bustles him out of the room.  
When the party finally winds down, I find myself still at the same spot, leaning against the wall. For some reason I can't get myself to leave, like there is something I have to do before I go. Spike walks up to me and I know what it is.  
"'ey pet."  
"Hey." A silence falls in which I gather my courage. "Thank you."  
"Welcome," he nods.  
No more words are needed to explain what I meant. Those song lyrics have cut deep, but still they heal. Old wounds are ripped open and close again, with less scarring this time. And then I realise the one thing I never wanted to see, he loved her. We scolded him all the time; we didn't believe him. Now I do. "You loved her."  
He shakes his head and smiles wearily. "Took you long enough. Yes, I did, I do. So did you."  
I can't deny it. 'Yeah."  
"Which makes us the only two persons who can understand this song. We were the ones on the sideline, having to watch while others forced their way into her life. We were ignored." His voice is soft and weary. I understand completely, feeling bone tired myself. I have been the one looking in, never being let in, so has he. "Me, I can understand, but you? You would've made her happy."  
Not so sure about that. "I would've tried."  
He glances at me, smile deepening. "You'd succeeded." Then he takes my arm and pulls me with him. "Come on, let's get out of here."

He needs to talk, it's clear. And guess what, so do I. So I follow him, out of the concert hall, out on the streets. His turf, the streets at night, the place where he once ruled. He hasn't lost his confidence though, stalking them like he owns them. I haven't got a clue where he's taking me, but I trust him. Trust him to take me somewhere where we can talk without anyone interfering.  
The place were we wind up is a surprise, an apartment block that looks.expensive.  
"You live here?" I inquire.  
"When I'm in town. Had the place for ages, even before I came to Sunnyhell."  
Then why did he live in a crypt? Good question, to which I have no answer. I file it away under 'things to ask' and focus on the apartment itself. By now he has dragged me into it and I can't help but gape in awe. This is beyond expensive, it's expensive and luxurious. Not the tacky kind, but tasteful. The kind of interior that looks simple, until you look at the price tags.  
"Wow."  
He grins, obviously pleased. And gloating. "Never thought that good for nothing vampire owned something like this, didn't you?"  
I shake my head. "Never in my wildest dreams. Angel, yeah, but you.."  
"Gotta hand it to the poof, he's good with money. We all had our 'trust funds' so to speak." He shoots me a smirk, challenging me to fill in the blanks. Which I do, in full colour. And you know, I don't care.  
"Looks great."  
He eyes me in wonder, clearly expecting a completely different reaction. Then he chuckles and smacks me on the back. Ow. "Hey! Heeyyyy."

"Learned to control it." His comment is immediate. "It knows when I don't want to cause pain."  
He doesn't want to hurt me. Not that I needed the chip's affirmation, but it's a relief none the less. "Good for you." And I mean that.  
"Yeah well," he shrugs like he doesn't care. I know better.  
"So, tell me why you dragged me here."  
A pointed stare. Ice blue eyes focused on me, expression wonder mixed with annoyance. "You bloody well know why."  
"We were there." And neither of us has ever really talked about it.  
"Yeah." He sags down on a chair. "Couldn't sleep for weeks, even now I have the nightmare. The same one over and over again. I see her and she blames me."

"But." I can talk all I want, but I can't ignore the fact I'm in the same boat. "Same here."  
Again that weary smile. "Figured you might. The poof thinks he knows what the song is about, he doesn't. He doesn't!!" A book goes flying across the room, hitting the wall. It leaves a dent in the wall.  
"He can't know. We saw it happen. We know."  
"Boiled down to two words. You always were good at that." This time the smile is more open.  
"Simple guy, that's me."  
"Stop that!" He jumps up and grabs me by the shoulders. "You're no more simple than I am! We just make them believe we are!"  
"And why is that?" The core question of my existence. Never asked before, probably never will be again.  
"Because we don't want them to see who we really are."  
I step closer, an unstoppable urge driving me. I need..what? I just need. I meet his eyes and find the same need there. No reasons, no explanations, just raw need. We were there. We know.  
The next moments are a blur. I am pushed backwards until I bump into something. A couch. Another push and I'm lying on it, seconds later I am lying underneath Spike. It's harsh, brutal, needy. Clothes fly, bodies slamming together, no room for thought or doubts. Time stops, we are all that matters. Nothing but us in the entire universe and I've never felt so free in all my life. It's a bit like flying I suppose, with no strings to pull you down. I never want to land, want to stay here and fly.

But the moment ends and I come down again. I am slick with sweat and more, holding him tightly. He doesn't move away, just lies there, eyes closed and actually breathing. It's weird, seeing his chest rise and fall. I've watched him countless times when he stayed in my basement and never saw him do that. Then it filters through slowly. I had sex with him. And guess what? Again I don't care. Well, I do care, but it doesn't upset me. I needed this.  
He moves a bit, settling himself more comfortably. I tighten my arms around him, press a kiss on a bare shoulder and whisper, "No bad dreams tonight."

  
It's midday when I awake. At least I think it is. The clock says it's one o'clock, and that can't be one A.M. We weren't even here at that time. The apartment is dark, all the curtains drawn. Which makes sense, in a vampire kind of way. Then I feel it. He's staring at me.  
"Morning." Lame, but there you go.  
"Yeah." Another stare, incredulous now. "Thought you'd be long gone."  
"I just woke up!"  
A smirk. "My, my, the donut boy has changed. The Harris I knew would've fled in terror when he realised what he'd done."  
"That one doesn't exist anymore." Not after tonight. "We had sex. I don't regret it."  
Silence stretches on for a long time. "Me neither," he says finally, slowly. "No bad dreams.."  
So he heard that. "I didn't have any." In fact I didn't dream at all.  
"No dreams at all. Just sleep." He seems truly amazed by that.  
"First time?" I ask.  
"Yes."  
We lie there without talking for another hour, neither of us moving. I can't get rid of the feeling that this was bound to happen, that it was unavoidable. How, what or why is a mystery that I don't really want to think about too much. It happened. End of story. Except I don't want it to end.  
"You're doing anything today?" The question comes out of the blue. It shocks me a bit.

"Well, I was planning on going home today. Can wait, though. It's not that I have a job to go back to."  
He looks at me, raising that scarred eyebrow. And I tell him. The whole screwed up story. He listens, doesn't interrupt once. When I finally fall silent, he still doesn't say anything. It's taking too long, he probably thinks I'm still a loser and I'm getting cold. I reach out and grab my sweater from the floor, but before I can put it on, he takes it away from me.  
"Here." He hands me the Indian blanket that is draped over the back of the couch. "It's warmer."  
Now why didn't I think of that? I pull it around me. He's right, it's soft and warm and comfy.  
"So, the bint left you?" Here it comes, the verdict. "Good for you." Case dismissed. Huh? He chuckles at my confusion. "She's wasn't right for you, pet. For anyone. She's been a demon for 10 centuries, with no one to think about but herself. You can't change that in just a few years. You did the best you could."  
"It wasn't good enough."  
"It was more than enough, that's the point. She had to fend for her own all that time and now all of a sudden there's this kid who wants to take over the responsibility. Nice, but scary."  
That is the first logical explanation I heard since it happened. It's simple, to the point and oh so true. But hey.."I'm not a kid."

He sniggers. "To her you are."  
Uuuh..yes. "And to you?"  
"Why do you think I call you whelp? I got a century on you."  
Great. Oh wait. "Dirty old man. Having sex with a kid."  
He stares then laughs. Wholeheartedly. "God pet, I missed that wacky humour of yours."  
Who's wacky here? "I wasn't kidding."  
He's laughing even harder and I have no choice but to join in. Laughing without bitterness, how long has it been since I'd done that? Oh right, when Dawn 'accidentally' died her hair pink. Willow's rant put any demon to shame. Yet, never about things that were meaningful. Like my divorce. Not that I am actually laughing about it now, but he gave me a new perspective on the matter. It wasn't my fault. Strange, I believe that now. I just had to be that way, couldn't be helped. Divine intervention. Um no, that's taking it a bit too far.  
"What's going on in that crazy mind of yours?" His question makes me realise I've been staring into thin air.  
"Just thoughts," I sigh. "The whole mess is finally sorting itself out in there." I look at him, at the face I once feared. He suffered too, it's clear. There's something in his eyes giving that away; a trace of sadness that wasn't there before. "It wasn't your fault," I tell him. "She chose to die, to save us all. Nobody could've done anything to prevent that. Even Dawn is convinced of that now. She still feels guilty though."  
"Can imagine. I should've stopped that bloody Doc!!" His eyes glow yellow.  
"He threw you from that tower! You broke both legs, Spike, what could you have done?" The image of him kneeling down next to her body, crying and cursing, is one I will never get out of my mind.  
"Something, anything!" He vamps out fully now. "I felt so helpless."  
"We all did. We all felt guilty for not saving her. It wasn't until Dawn told us what she said up on that tower, how she was fully prepared to give her life to save the world that we began to understand. Death was her gift. The First Slayer told her that in a vision and at that moment she understood the meaning. She died for us, for you."  
His eyes close briefly and when they open again, there's no more yellow.  
"Destiny."   
"Yes."  
"The first Slayer to die by her own hand." His voice is soft, his gaze distant. In an impulse I draw him to me, wrapping the blanket around us. He snuggles close, making soft purring sounds. It's an odd sound, yet soothing. I smile into his hair, and settle in for another nap.  
  
That night I go with him to the concert. This time I'm admitted back stage without a problem, after all walking in holding hands with one of the band members does count for something. I hang around among the tech crew and get introduced to the difficulties of managing such a big concert. It's interesting and I find myself helping them afterwards. My years in construction are helpful, I'm used to lifting heavy things. When one of the crew jokingly asks me if I want a job, I am more than tempted to say yes.  
"You want it, pet?" I startle as I hear his voice very close to me.  
"Uhh.yeah.that is."  
"Want it or not?" He moves in front of me, eyes dancing with mischief.  
"Yes." I have a feeling I'm making a life altering decision here.  
"Then you got it."  
"Just like that?"  
"I run this joint, pet. My band, my money."  
Okay, not what I expected to hear. But then again, he keeps on surprising me. "You sure you want me around all the time?"  
"Wouldn't have asked if I didn't."  
True enough. He's always been honest up to the point of being rude. I cringe when I realise my two former lovers where that way as well. Hold on! The guy offers you a job, not his love! Thoughts, hide or else run as fast as you can. Typical for me, they don't, but stay firmly lodged in my brain. I sigh in frustration, nothing short of a crowbar will get them out now.  
"I'll take the job."  
"Only if you want to." Is that concern? Can't be!  
"I want it. I need a break from my regular slaying duties." The guy whom I was helping earlier on, flinches visibly.  
"Slaying???"  
"Don't scare the crew, pet. They're kinda sensitive about that issue."  
Ooooooh, I see. "He's a vampire?"  
"Damned right I am!!" He vamps out and moves towards me, but is stopped by Spike.  
"No one touches him!" he growls. Turning back to me he asks, "Don't ever mention that word again, Harris!"  
"I won't. Look, I didn't know," I tell the guy. "You seem like an okay guy." It's not a lie to save my hide, he does seem all right. All my years on the Hellmouth taught me that no two vampires are the same. The powerful ones that is. Minions are all the same, just brainless killers. He gives me another growl and stalks away.  
"Will take a while to get him to trust you," Spike remarks.  
"I'm sorry, okay?" He nods and the subject is closed.

So I get on tour with the band. The phone calls I had to make to explain my  
absence were not that easy, except the one to Dawn. She thought it was the  
coolest thing to do. Of course I didn't tell them the whole story. No need to  
get them all in a tiff about me being with Spike. I so did not need their well  
meant, but annoying advices.  
We never talk about what happened that first night, nor is Buffy ever mentioned  
again. We talk about his time in Sunnydale, I tell him the latest news. Dawn  
keeps me posted, she mails me almost every day. Whenever I mention her name to  
Spike, he smiles. He likes Dawn, always has.   
Our 'relationship' is a weird one. To the outside we look like more than  
friends, yet we are just that, friends. All right, friends who sleep in the same  
bed. Sleep, yes, nothing more than that. Sometimes we talk, going over the  
events of the day, sometimes we just lie there. But always we fall asleep in  
each other's arms. His presence has become a constant and a necessity for me.  
It's a reminder of days past, yet also a way to forget the sorrow that time  
brought. It's healing and cruel at the same time, but I can't do without it.  
Then we arrive in New York.  
From the first day onwards, I know there's something different. For an outsider  
it maybe isn't obvious, but I notice he's restless. When I ask him about it, he  
shrugs it off, muttering something about the Big Apple not being his favourite  
place. For a while, I accept that explanation, after all it could be the truth,  
right? But when the days go by, I know he's lying. One night, I decide to  
confront him.  
"Why are you lying to me?"  
He starts, tensing in my arms. "I'm not!"  
"You did, you do. From the moment we got here, you've been acting strange.  
And don't give me that crap about not liking New York."  
"It's true." He glances up at me, trying to look innocent. He never  
could pull that off, not with me anyway.  
"Maybe so, but there's more."  
His eyes close briefly, a sure sign I hit a sore spot. "I heard you talking  
to the guys on the way over here."  
Huh? I talk to them all the time. Considering the fact that they're all of the  
demon variety, they're good guys. Fun too. "I don't get it."  
"About school and such." He's not even looking at me anymore.  
"About." Oh wait. We've been teasing Karl, one of the sound crew,  
about it.  
He is seriously considering going to college, which is not that weird in itself,  
he's got the brains for it. It's his appearance that will be a slight problem.  
Despite what the fans think, his horns are not a special effect, created by some  
wiz of a make up artist. He doesn't get the problem, and we have been making fun  
of it. "We've been teasing Karl."  
"I know that. Done my share. But you said something about missing your  
chance at college."  
Oh. Ah. "Low grades, no money."  
"That last thing isn't a problem anymore is it?" He's staring at me  
now, and no matter how hard I try, I can't look away from that pointed gaze.

"No. Which doesn't remove the first one."  
"Bullshit! You and I both know why you're grades were low and it wasn't because your lack of brains."  
I start to see where this is heading and I don't like it. "I'm not going."  
"Think about it." For him, the discussion ends there. He falls asleep soon afterwards, but I stare into the darkness. To be honest, I have thought about it. Before I got this job. It hasn't left my mind completely, but I put it on the back burner for a while. I'm happy; I like what I do.

Prodding deeper, I search for the real reason behind my happiness, knowing there has to be one. It doesn't take me long and it both shocks and delights me. I've fallen and hard. Fallen for the man in my arms, who achieved what no one else could: he makes me feel good about myself. It's not the night we shared after that first concert, but more subtle things.

His hand on my back every time we walk to his dressing room, his smile when I crack a joke, the gentleness in his gaze when he looks at me. All so alien to me; especially coming from him. He was always the one who could deepen my misery after others had cast me aside. Taunting me, challenging me to react. Now all he does is care about me. It's a startling conclusion, but there it is. I nudge him.  
"Spike."  
"Yeah." So he wasn't asleep.  
"You're right, I have been thinking about it. Second chances and all that stuff."  
"You deserve one."  
Can I get a more obvious cue? "I have one." Looking at me with wondering eyes, his arms wrapped around me. "I got it when I went backstage in LA. Didn't realise it then, but it was."  
"This lousy job??" No, you moron! I sigh deeply. He's not going to make it easy.  
"I like this job, but that's not it. I wanted to go to college to give my life a different turn. These past few months have taught me it's nothing more than an escape, just another way of hiding from reality. I don't want that anymore. Sure, life is harsh sometimes, but better to face it than to hide from it. It only comes back to bite you in the ass."  
"Nice story, no answer."  
"Getting to that!" I give him a playful poke in the ribs. "No, it's not the job. It's you."  
He tenses and rolls away from me. Confusion sets in, why does he do that? He sits on the edge of the bed, running a shaking hand through his hair. What did I say wrong? "Xan, I can't." His voice is rough with emotion. He stands, starts pacing through the room. "When Buffy died, I swore to myself never to fall for a mortal again. Too much pain. No matter how long it takes, I'll lose them in the end." He stops and looks at me. Sitting down again he lays his hand against my face. "I am leaving you behind, pet. I tried so hard not to love you and failed. I am leaving, not because I don't love you, but because I do."  
It makes a strange kind of sense, yet my heart doesn't want to believe it. Still, I keep my calm. Inside I'm screaming, begging and pleading for him not to leave me, but outside I'm the picture of calm. "Love you too."  
He smiles. "I know."


	2. Chapter 2

You want me to be somewhere where you can keep an eye on me, right?" It's a long shot, but it pays off.  
"Yeah. You know me too well, pet. I can't be with you the way you want me to, but I don't want to lose you all together."  
"Let's be friends." Does that sound bitter? Guess it does.  
"Fucking lame I know. And the answer is no. I want more, but not now."  
And that's that. He won't budge, no matter what I'll do. It makes me want to throw things, but that won't help either. His mind is made up. In a way I can understand it. After three years the grief over Buffy isn't gone yet and he doesn't want to burden me with it. I have my own load to carry and it's still a pretty heavy load. There's too much standing between us. I nod. "Okay."  
"That's it, okay??"  
I shrug. "Not much more to say, is there?"  
He looks pensive. "Guess not."  
"So, what do we do? I just pack my things now and go?" Bitterness peeks around the corner again.  
His hand drops away from my face. I watch it reach down and take my hand.  
"You can do that, and I won't blame you. But could you stay until we leave New York?"  
He's pleading, I can't believe it! For a second I'm tempted to tell him to go to hell, but that sounds a bit redundant. "For what reason?"  
"Because I want you to."  
Anger whips through me. "Hang around here and feel sorry for myself? No thanks!"  
He sighs, a weird sound. "Xan please." Then he gazes directly at me. "Feel sorry for yourself?"  
"Yeah," I tell him in a tone of voice one usually reserves to address a four year old. "I just told you I love you, you pushed me away, how am I supposed to feel??"  
"Lousy," he admits. "So do I. Bloody 'ell, I wish I could do this differently.."  
That does it. I jerk my hand from his grip and jump out of the bed. Pulling on my jeans with one hand and grabbing the rest of my clothes with the other I head for the door. He's there first.  
"Get out of my way!"  
"No. Not until I do this." He hauls me to him and before I know what hits me, his mouth covers mine. One hand is on the back of my head, the other one holds my hip. I can't back away. My clothes drop to the floor when my arm decides to wrap itself around his waist. I don't want to give in, but he leaves me no choice. My mouth opens under his and the kiss becomes one of the most intense I have ever experienced. It's passionate and yet not. Filled with a love I thought I'd never find, wasn't worthy of. When I have to break it because of severe oxygen problems, there is no doubt in my mind; he loves me. I lean my head against his shoulder.  
"Oh God."  
"I love you," I hear him whisper in my ear. "Give me some time, luv, please."  
To hear a Master Vampire begging is something else, I tell you. There were times I would've laughed in his face for doing this. Laughed and then staked him. A wave of triumph rushes through me, but I battle it down with force. This is not the vampire I met years ago. He's not out to kill me, not even to feed from me. He wants my love and my patience. The first I can give him, the latter I'm not so sure of. Yet, I have to if I want to keep him with me. I lift my head and face him.  
"Okay. I'll give you time. But don't take too long, I'm not going to live forever."  
"Don't you think I know that??" he snarls. "That's the whole bloody point!!"  
  
And I don't want that discussion, thank you. "I know," I say soothingly. "Just remember that."  
"I will, I do. Thought of nothing else for the last few weeks. So, will you stay?"  
How can I not? Suddenly every minute with him is a treasure, something to cherish. "Yes." He smiles an open and gentle smile and I see relief in his eyes. He was scared.It's just one surprise after another tonight and I am amazed by the fact that I'm not even surprised anymore. Overload, probably.  
"Come on." I take his hand and lead him back to the bed. After discarding my jeans, I roll onto the bed, back into his arms. It's good, it's safe, a quiet spot outside time and place. It's mine.  
The days go by quickly, too quickly. I hang onto every minute, but have to watch it slip by me none the less. I have decided to leave before the band does, catching a red eye flight back to LA. It means leaving just before the last concert is over, it also means saying goodbye to him before that concert.  
We stand in the dressing room, looking at each other. He's wearing one of my T-shirts, one he nicked out of my bag. Never knew vampires could be so sentimental.  
"Luv.." he starts. I don't want to talk, so I just close the distance between us and draw him in my arms. Broken whispers reach my ears, words I have heard many times over the last couple of days. "Please wait. Love you." 

"I promise," I whisper. "Love you."  
And then it's over. He gets called on stage and I watch him go, his back turned to me, not looking back. I take my bag and walk out of the building.

Life is the way it was in Sunnydale. Demons, vampires, an occasional ghost. I am welcomed home by the others, Willow grinning and asking if I have lost my wild streak now. I smile and tell her no. She punches me on the arm for that. Just like old times, only not. I have a secret to keep, not a nasty one like before, but one I don't want to share with any of them. Not yet anyway.  
So I settle into the old ways once again, helping with research, patrolling, slaying. I even find myself a job back at the construction site. Not that I need the money, but I want to work. No college, that option I have put out of my head permanently. I like working with my hands, building things.  
I even buy a house. The gang is shocked when they hear I have bought my old home. Shocked me too, yet when I saw the 'for sale' sign on the lawn I had to buy it. Where my folks have gone, I have no idea, nor do I care.The house is in shambles and I spend all my spare time working on it, living in the old trusted basement. It's still as damp as before and still as comfortable. It was the first place I could call my own and because of that it's dear to me.  
One day, while I'm working outside, Dawn shows up. She's grown into a lovely young woman, one Buffy would have been proud of. College student and doing well.  
"Hi!" she greets me.  
"Dawnster. and don't call me that!" I add, before she can.  
She giggles and pokes me in the ribs. "And don't you know it." She holds up a bag. "Picnic?"  
"Willow sent you?" I inquire.  
"No! I am perfectly capable of thinking this up by myself, thank you very much!"  
I grin at her, a grin she meets with an offended glare. Something stirs inside of me, she looks so much like her sister this way. I put the hammer I'm holding in my tool belt and raise my hands. "Okay, I surrender!"  
A look of triumph crosses her face as she sits down and begins to unpack the bag. I must admit, the sight of food makes my stomach rumble. Sitting down too, I help her spread the tablecloth on the ground. We eat and talk, all very relaxed, but I have a hunch this is not just a social visit. Not that I mind spending time with her, not at all, she is good company. I tell her about some of the stunts the crew pulled at the concerts, knowing she loves to hear this stuff. And there it is, that pensive look Buffy mastered in and what seems to be a trademark expression for the Summers women.  
"Xander, why did you go with them?"  
The question is not unexpected. I have run any possible answer through my mind countless times. I could go for the 'getting rid of my wild streak' version, the one that seems to be stuck in Willow's mind, or the 'getting away from it all' version. Considering it for a moment, I decide to go for the latter. "Needed to get away from everything, do something completely different."  
"I get that," she says slowly. "But how did you get that job? I mean, I've been to concerts and I know it's almost impossible to get back stage."

Smart girl. "Not if you know one of the band members."  
Her eyes grow wide for a second and she nearly chokes on her drink. "Of course," she coughs. "Devon."  
That startles me. I wasn't aware she knew him. "Yep."  
An odd look comes in her eyes as she regards me. I shiver, it feels like being put under a microscope. "I've been to one of their concerts, Xander. No one knows," she ads quickly. "When I went to LA with Wendy and her Mom, we managed to get tickets. Wendy's Mom likes one of those guys." There is a grin on her face, yet at the same time she is giving me a pointed stare. Sweat breaks out as I realise what she means. She knows!  
"So, you know," I say, as casually as I can.  
"Couldn't believe my eyes when I saw him," she nods. Then a giggle erupts from her throat. "Wendy's Mom kept talking about him, how mysterious he is and such. When she pointed him out while they were on stage I nearly shouted in his name in surprise."  
I have to grin, can't help it. "No one would've understood anyway, he doesn't use that name anymore."  
"Found that out later. Believe me, I had so much trouble not to tell the whole story."  
"Like they would've believed you."  
She shrugs. "Probably not. Instead I told them I knew Devon. They were thrilled. Tried to get backstage, but no luck. What kind of demon is that security guard anyway??"  
"I never found out, all I know is that he's big," I laugh. "I hope you didn't tell them he's a demon."  
She glares at me. "Like I'm stupid!"  
"That is one thing you are not," I tell her. "Yet you could've asked for me."

"I wanted to. Then I saw you."  
The feeling of dread grows. "You saw me?"  
"With Spike. There was something about you two that kept me from calling out to you. I don't know what, but I did know it was wiser not to let you know I was there."  
Again smart girl. And suddenly there is the need to tell, to spill my secret. Spike wouldn't mind me doing that, not to Dawn. "You made the right decision. No matter how pleased he would've been to see you again, the timing wasn't right."  
"It almost seemed there was something more than friendship there." She tilts her head to one side, gazing at me expectantly.  
"There was, there is." I take a deep breath. "I love him, Dawn. Don't ask me how and why, I'm still trying to figure that one out myself." The words come then, rolling out of my mouth effortlessly. I tell her everything, leaving out certain details, of course.  
She listens in silence. When I finally shut up, she stands and walks to where I'm sitting, crouches down and hugs me. "Good for you. Now let's hope he comes to his senses soon."  
  
  


I hug her back, feeling like a weight has lifted from my shoulders. I should've known she wouldn't condemn me. "Thanks. And I hope so too."She throws a beaming smile at me. "He'd better or I'll nab you for myself."

"Really??" It's out before I can stop it. And I'm not joking either.  
"You'd better believe it, mister! Just convince yourself you're worth nabbing, okay?" She emphasizes it with an elbow between my ribs.  
"Okay. And ow."  
"Ninny."  
"Brat."  
We continue to call each other names for a while and my mood lifts considerably. I haven't felt this good since I came back here. I have someone to talk to now, someone who knows. We part with laughter and some more name-calling. I pick up my tools and go back to work.

  
It's been a year. No four years. My mind is mixing up things, been doing that a lot lately. It's early evening and I'm on my way to the cemetery. Not for patrolling, although I have a stake with me, but to visit Buffy's grave. It's four years today, four years ago the world lost the best Slayer it ever had. We do this every year, the ones that are still in Sunnydale. Call it a pilgrimage if you like and maybe it is. We stand by her grave, put flowers on it and tell her things. Sounds weird perhaps, but it has helped us cope for these four years. I bring white roses, like I do every year. She told me once she liked white roses, so that's what I put by her grave. 

The sounds of arguing wafts towards me. I hear Willow's voice, angry and upset, then a deeper one. Halting in my tracks I listen, and hope. The frustrated 'Bloody 'ell Red!' clinches it, it's him. Slowly I walk on, not sure what I'm landing into. Willow spots me first.  
"Xander, finally!"  
I hold up the flowers. "Had to buy something."  
She smiles, a smile that vanishes once her gaze turns back to Spike. "And now will you leave!"  
"Why?" I ask, genuinely puzzled.  
"Because he has no right to be here."  
Oh boy, determined Willow. "Why not?"  
She gives me a wide-eyed stare before replying. "He is evil! He is everything Buffy fought against!!"  
There it is, the anger. And it's bad. "Angel is a vampire, he was evil. Would you send him away?" Djeez, my voice sounds calm.  
"Of course not!"  
"He loved Buffy. I heard that story a thousand times before."  
"He can stay," Dawn chimes in, ignoring the glare she gets from Willow, but smiling at Spike who gives her a wink. "I don't see the problem, Willow. He helped fight Glory, he didn't tell her I was the key and he tried to free me from that tower."  
If I weren't so furious I would hug her. I catch Spike's warning look and ignore it. Time to speak my mind. "He has every right to be here. We were all there, we all tried to help, we all saw her die to save us. Us, Willow, not just you, me, Tara, Dawn, Giles and Anya, but all of us. Including Spike."  
"Oh shut the fuck up, I'm outta here." He storms off and if I thought I was angry before, it's nothing to what I'm feeling now.  
  
  


"Great! Got your way now?? Who died and made you boss??" That's mean and I know it. I stare at her startled face for a moment and decide it's wiser not to waste my breath anymore. I run off, roughly in the direction Spike went to. I think I know where he went, so I take the shortest route to his old crypt and there he is, leaning against the wall, smoking a cigarette. His movements are jerky, uncontrolled; he's upset. "She had no right to do that."  
"Like I care."  
"If you didn't care about what she said, you would still be standing there." Take that, Mr Big Bad.  
He glances at me and smirks. "Damn, I hate it when you're right."  
He knows by now not to try and railroad me. I can see through him like he was made of glass. I take my time to have a good, long look at him. The old Spike is back, the bleached hair, the black outfit. Will, the rock artist is gone. "Changed your tune again?" I inquire.  
He shrugs. "Feels better, more me. The other thing was fun for a while, though."  
Dread, ice cold and painful, floods through me. He has closed off that period of his life. I belonged to that time. Conclusion, no hope for me.

Still, I have to try. "It's been a year, Spike."  
"Really? Didn't think it was that long."  
Thank God, he doesn't ask what I'm talking about. "Almost. Eleven months, one week and two days."  
"Don't tell me you've been counting the days??" He throws his cigarette on the ground and immediately reaches for another one. He's upset, all right. 

"I have." Pathetic, idiotic, moronically romantic and hopeful.  
"Oh pet."  
Hello anger. "Don't you 'oh pet' me! A year, without so much as a postcard!! I didn't know where you were after the band split up." Bye anger, spilled in just three sentences.  
"You expected me to write?" He walks towards me, stops a few feet away from me. He's surprised, not a reaction I expected.  
"Yeah. Or call, or e mail for all I care."  
He shakes his head, makes a helpless gesture with his hands and smiles. "I just never thought about it."  
Ow. That hurt. "I waited."  
Now he is truly amazed. For Christ's sake, why? "You.waited? For me?"  
"I promised."  
"I know that, but." Again that helpless gesture. "I thought someone had grabbed you by now."  
I promised to wait, I kept my promise. I love you. None of these words make it to my mouth. "I had an offer."  
A full out grin. "Who was the unlucky one?"  
"Hey!"  
"Who got turned down?"  
Oh. "Dawn."  
"Little Bit?" he laughs. "She's quite a catch, pet."  
"She is, but not for me. I love her, but like a little sis. Thinking of her as a lover makes me go eeeiuw." I shudder to emphasize my words. It's the truth, but a little over acting never hurt anyone. "Besides, I made a promise, one I didn't make lightly. I kept it because I wanted to."

The smile vanishes and makes place for a very intense look. I swallow, feeling slightly uncomfortable, not quite sure what to make of this.

"I didn't expect that," he says softly.  
Neither did I. This reply, I mean. "Why not?" He answered that one already, Xander! "I mean, what makes you so sure I would forget that promise the moment I got back home?"  
"Come on, pet, who wouldn't want you?"  
A lot of people. "I would've turned them all down." Get it through your head, I love you!! Then why can't I say it?  
He seems at a loss for words. Quite an accomplishment, something I should be proud of, yet I'm not. I'm anxious. "You want me?" His voice is even softer now.  
"Yeah." Question remains, does he want me? I get my answer a second later.  
He closes the distance between us, walks straight into my arms.  
They say that absence makes the heart grow fonder, but I discover it's not always true. Having him in my arms brings back the feeling I had during the whole time I spent with the band. Familiar and oh so good. Belonging, acceptance, being loved, it all blends together. It's a heady feeling, something I could get high on so easily. But I want more. In all the time we were on the road, we only kissed once. I want a kiss now. "Spike?" He mutters something against my shoulder. "Kiss?"  
His head comes up and there is that trademark smirk. "Kiss what, luv?" And the attitude.  
"Me?"  
"Ooooh.."  
I don't wait for the rest of what is probably one of his annoying comebacks and kiss him. Our one and only kiss was a bit of a one sided affair, I was too stunned to respond properly, but now I give it all I have. He is anything but stunned and I am kissed like never before. When he lets me up for air, we are both grinning like madmen. This is it and we know it. At this moment I'm making the decision to spend my life with a vampire, a male vampire, and you know what? I've never been so darned happy in my life! Consequences be damned, I'm not letting this one slip away from me.  
"Made up your mind, luv?" He's regarding me with curiosity.  
"Yep," I nod. "And no one is going to change it."  
"Red won't be too happy with it."  
She won't. Most likely, she will never speak to me again. Sad, but her loss. "I don't care, I truly don't. I never said anything against her relationship with Tara, supported them even. Okay, I wasn't exactly Mr subtle when it came to Buffy and Angel, but I didn't trust him. Still don't."  
"Then what makes you trust me?" Good question, to which I have an answer.  
"You never pretended to be anything you're not. You're a vampire and proud of it."  
He smiles. "Damned right I am. Why lie about that?"  
"Oh, I can think of several thousand reasons."  
"Give me one."  
I tick off my fingers. "Evil, soulless, bloodsucker, bad hair, fashion sense." The next moment I'm lying on the ground, a fully vamped out Master Vampire on top of me. And I laugh.  
"Fashion sense????" he growls.  
"Yeah, black.and black.and black.Saves time dressing I suppose."  
"Compared to you I'm a picture of elegance!" It comes out harsh, but I see the twinkle in his eyes. A vampire in game face, with bared teeth, ridged forehead and yellow eyes that are twinkling with mischief. What a strange world I live in.  
"What's wrong with my clothes??"  
"Too baggy. Show off, pet."  
"Show off what?" I am innocence itself, sure I am.  
"This.." A hand grips my upper arm and squeezes it. "And this.." His other hand trails along my thigh. "And of course, this!" Two hands flip under me and grab my ass. Point taken. That is..  
  
"Think I should?" This is not teasing, I am pretty self-conscious about my body.  
"Luv, you have a great body. Nice muscles.." Another squeeze of my arm. "Not too bulky, just right."  
As long as he thinks so. That is the most important thing for me now, what others think doesn't matter anymore. I reach up and touch his face, feeling the ridges melt away as he morphs back into his human visage. "You look pretty great too." Mentally I hit myself. Hard. He looks damned great, absolutely fantastic. What is it in me that prevent me from saying those things?  
"Could be better. Been on a tight diet lately." He says it casually, yet there's a roughness in his voice that belies that. I run my hand over his side and feel it clearly, he's thin.  
"Not anymore," I tell him firmly. "I'll fatten you up."

"Oh. And I thought..well..never mind."  
"Thought what?" I can sense it, this is an intro to some serious teasing.  
He leans in, our faces almost touching. "Thought I would get some exercise first."  
"Oh yes, you'll get that, but food first," I shoot back.  
"Offering?"  
"I might."  
"Fresh or stored?"  
"Stored. About a year old, should be really good by now."  
"Abou.Xander!!"  
"What?" I have trouble to hide my grin, real trouble. And of course, he takes advantage of that. Ruthlessly.  
"I prefer blood that's about..oh.twentysomething year old." Our foreheads are touching. "Inside a twentysomething year old body." A nip on my nose. "After I take that body.." Nibble on my lower lip. "In a very different way." 

Oh God.oh shit.body stop shaking. Serious teasing indeed. "Spike." Was that a moan? Yep, it was.  
He chuckles, gives me a quick peck on the lips, rolls off me and sits up.  
"I would love to take that body here, but there is something I have to do first."  
"Grbll.." I am not in any state to form words.  
Another chuckle. "I'm mean, I know luv." The smile fades. "I came here for two reasons. One, to see you and two, to close off a period in my existence." 

My mind is clearing. "Buffy."  
"Yes." His voice is soft and almost distant. "I need to do that, before I can go on."  
I sit up as well and simply draw him in my arms. He melts into the embrace, leaning against me. "No need to explain," I tell him. "We both need it." He says nothing, just clutches me more tightly. And there they are, the words that were in my mind all the time, finally making it to my mouth. "Love you, need you."  
He pulls back and his hands cup my face. "I love you. You've been in my mind the entire year." A smile. "Yeah, I have been counting days as well. Missed you. But I needed.."  
I shush him by putting a finger on his mouth. "I know. So did I. So what do you want to do?"  
He swallows. "Think the others are gone?"  
And I know what he wants. "Think so. Come on."  
We walk back to Buffy's grave side by side. As by unspoken agreement, we don't touch each other. This has to be done first.

  
It's quiet there, they have gone. We kneel beside the grave and I spot my flowers, lying against the headstone. Thank you Dawn. He puts his hand on the headstone. I watch in silence.  
"Hello Slayer." He pauses as if waiting for an answer. "I'm not known for keeping my promises, but I never felt so rotten about breaking one before. I ran, couldn't cope. It's no excuse, it's a reason." He smiles. "I wish you'd be here to kick my ass for it." Another smile, roguish. "Talking about ass, I bet you're laughing yours off up there." He grins at my confused look. "The two guys who carried a torch for you winding up together?"  
Ah. I grin back, it is pretty weird indeed.  
"Nah."  
We stare at each other, startled. "Did you hear that?" I ask.  
"Yeah."  
Good then I'm not imagining things. "Buffy?" I look around me.  
"Don't bother, Xand, you won't see me. Audio only, sorry for that."  
It's her, well, her voice. Spike is still baffled, he stares, his mouth slightly open. "Buffy?" I ask again.  
"Yeah. I was hoping you two would show up here. I can follow you, but I can only talk to you when you're here."  
"Close to your body." Good, Spike has discovered he has a voice.  
"Right. Mental picture I didn't need, thank you Spike."  
"Glad to oblige."  
"Buffy, why are you here, talking to us?" I can feel her now too, a presence, fleeting but there.  
"To answer Spike's question, no I am not laughing my ass off. My first thought when I saw you two was, 'at last'. "  
"At last??" we chorus.  
"It's been long overdue. I have been pushing you a bit, I admit that, but I got so tired of waiting."  
"Pushed us??" Again in stereo.  
"Just a bit. Made your radio play that song over and over again, Xander. By the way, pretty depressing, Spike."  
He shrugs. "Felt like that."  
"Whatever. Anyway, I made sure no one disturbed you during that time and no one would try to stop you. You both needed this. Of course." A pause and I can almost hear the shrug. "I just wanted you to be friends. Whatever came next, that was entirely your own doing."  
I look at him, trying to make out his expression. It's blank, which is not necessarily a bad sign. "So, you just wanted us to be friends, huh?"  
"Hey, I'm not into love spells and such, too tricky."  
Her voice fades, but I have a hunch she is still talking. My feelings are confirmed when I see Spike smile. She's talking to him now. I sit and wait, knowing I'll get my turn.  
"Hey Xand." See? "You had a rough time, big brother. Just think your answer, I can hear it."  
'Telepathy?'  
"Yep. One of the perks of being dead."  
'I had a rough time, but it's better now.' Much better.  
"I can see that!" Her laugh echoes in my head. "Let him love you, Xander. Accept it. Believe that you deserve this."  
I swallow, trying to get that rock out of my throat. 'It's not easy.'  
"Waiting for the other shoe to drop?"  
'Yeah.' Always.  
"It won't. Take my word for it. Be happy, grab life with both hands. His love for you runs deep."  
I feel his eyes on me, but I can't look back. 'I love him too, Buff, very much.'  
"Then go for it."  
'I'll try.'  
"No, do it!!"  
'Yes Ma'am!'  
"There's my Xand."  
I feel her leaving my head and discover I'm grinning like mad. "Still the same old Buffy."  
"Giving orders," Spike nods, then winces. "Oi! Don't hit me!!"  
"Oh, did I mention I can touch you as well?" she singsongs. He gives her a dark stare, looking in the direction of the headstone. "Not there, Spikey.." 

I laugh, can't help it. This situation is too funny. Spike playing hide and seek with an invisible Slayer. A dead Slayer. I see a smile creeping up his face as well and it doesn't take long before he is laughing too. In my head I hear Buffy joining in. Our laughing fit ends when he pulls me close, nuzzling my neck.  
"I'll leave you now. Be happy guys." And then she's gone. It feels empty somehow, but on the other hand she has left a trace of her behind inside me. The knowledge that someone believes I'm worth it. That I'm not a loser.  
"Love you, pet." The whisper in my ear makes me realise she's not the only one who is convinced of that. I'm loved.  
"Love you too." Completely.  
A kiss seals it, my fate. I won't be easy, but I'll get there in the end.  
I'll be the man I always wanted to be, sure of himself. I am convinced of that.  
  
I wish I could tell you we lived happily ever after, but this is no fairy tale. In fact, we got attacked by a pack of vampires not half an hour later. But that is a different story, one I might tell you someday.  



End file.
